


43 Days Without You

by hookedphantom



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, Sadness, my most sincere apologies, you will cry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-21 11:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6050079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hookedphantom/pseuds/hookedphantom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn is killed on a rogue mission, and Poe writes him letters every day to cope with his passing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day One

Hey, Finn. They told me today. That you, y’know, aren’t ever coming back to me. 

I got mad. I almost punched Rey in the face, which was stupid, it’s not her fault. But I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that you’re gone, it was supposed to be me first. I was the one who did all the crazy, stupid shit, so why are you gone and not me? You’d be a hell of a lot better at dealing with this. I won’t be able to sleep tonight because your half of the bed will never be full again. 

I’m sitting and writing you this - I don’t know. Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m hoping that your force ghost or whatever (Rey told me that’s a thing, that I might be able to talk to you through the force? If so, please, please come and see me. I wouldn’t be able to hold you in my arms or anything, but it would make this so much easier to deal with. If I could just see you again. 

The tear stains are probably going to make this hard to read, I’m so sorry. It’s getting all crumpled. I would start over or whatever but the next paper would probably be just like this. 

I never expected a goodbye to be the last, and I’m writing you this so that I don’t have to say my last goodbye. 

I miss you. Please come back in some way if you can.


	2. Day Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn is killed on a rogue mission, and Poe writes him a letter every day for 43 days to help him cope.

Hey, Finn. 

Jessika asked me today if I needed a hug. I did, but I said no, because I can't cry in front of members of my squadron. She's really kind. Leia's asked her to take my position while I grieve. I don't know if I'll ever be done grieving. But it was really nice of Jessika to ask and I think she understands. Maybe next time I'll accept the hug. They all miss you at least a bit, you know? 

I was told that I should go grieve with Rey, that it's easier to have someone to be with while you're sad or whatever. It's bullshit. It's just as depressing to be with someone who misses you just as much as I do. It makes it that much more real that you're gone. 

I tried to sleep last night, and after crying my tear ducts dry, I think I finally did. I rolled over to greet you in the morning like I normally do. I forgot that you were gone. I thought you were coming home, and then it hit me again that you're fucking gone. That you're never fucking coming back. Is it going to be like this every morning? I don't think I can survive if I remember that you're gone every fucking morning, and, shit. 

I'm sorry. I shouldn't get angry and upset like that, it's not your fault. That you're dead and I'm not. that I have to live on without you and at least look like I'm there with everyone. It's shit, and you probably understand that. 

Finn, I love you.


	3. Day Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe's letters to a deceased Finn.

Hey, Finn. 

So today was weird. Rey came here to comfort me with a bottle of spirits and I was pleased about that, but then she sat in your chair and I got really angry. So angry that I picked it up and threw it at the wall. It broke into pieces and now your chair is gone and I feel bad that I got so angry. 

Rey is understanding. She says this is natural. 

I miss you a lot, I guess. I don't want anybody to have your things, anybody to take your place. 

Leia says I shouldn't do this, she says it always leaves room for the idea you'll come home. I suppose she's right. Maybe I should let BB-8 have your half of the bed again. Maybe I should give away your clothes. But I can't, because that's all I have left of you. 

BB-8 has finally clued in that you're never coming back. They didn't roll to the door to await you this morning. I heard its sad beeping and I just couldn't help it, I started to cry. I didn't realize that humans had so many tears to cry, I would've thought I cried myself dry. I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore and I just miss you so fucking much and your chair is broken and I don't understand why. 

Why, Finn? Why are you gone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late post today guys! I didn't have time to post until I got home!


	4. Day Four

Hey Finn, 

sorry. i tore up every letter i wrote today. i didn't like any of them. these letters mean a lot to me and if i fuck them up i don't really want you to read them. 

sorry. i love you.


	5. Day Five

Finn. 

Jesus fuck, I didn’t think it was possible to miss someone as much as I miss you. 

Today just felt black. I went through routine, ate all my meals and tried to smile at people. It feels weird to be able to run like a normal person when all I feel is endless sadness. 

Well, sadness and anger. Every time I remember that I didn’t go on that mission or didn’t get told in time to save you, I get angry. You would’ve been better at this coping thing than I would have. You wouldn’t be sat here in the dark writing this ridiculous letter, that’s for sure. 

I keep feeling like these letters are stupid. But I need to write them. It’s like they’re the only thing that gets me through the day, y’know? Feeling like I can communicate with you. You were a huge part of my being and my life is absolute shit without you. I didn’t even know how important you were to me until you weren’t here anymore. Sometimes I replay the days with you in my head. I remember how your skin felt under mine, how fabulously sweaty and breathy you were in bed, and especially just how fucking amazing it was to hug you or hold your hand. 

I really hope you can hear me, and I hope you miss me too.


	6. Day Six

Hey. 

So I was really sick today. I had a lot of alcohol last night. I had no idea that drinking myself gone was a great way to feel like I don’t miss you. 

I don’t mean that in a bad way, like I’d like to forget you. I just mean that it hurts a lot to miss you like I do. Sometimes all I can do is sit on the ground and look off into space and wish you were there. 

Rey always tries to make me feel better, and I get that she has my best interests in heart, but nothing helps. She was mad at me for using the alcohol to get rid of the pain, and I understand why, but so far, it’s the only thing that makes losing you hurt less. 

Leia understands. Instead of being angry with me, she gave me a bottle of her best today. She understands because she lost Han and she feels just like I do. The only thing she insists on is that I don’t let my anger and grief get the best of me. She doesn’t want me to go down a dark path, I guess.

I’ll be honest, I don’t even have the energy to turn to the dark side without you.


	7. Day Seven

Hey buddy. 

Is it weird that I kinda felt you with me a lot today? Like, I normally feel like there’s a huge empty void where you used to be. Today, it felt like you were there. Not like you’re alive again or whatever, because I know that’s not possible. But is, like, the Force afterlife a thing? Are you actually there?

I guess I maybe don’t want to know. Jessika told me today that I should try and let you go. That I’m still clinging to you, or whatever. She’s lost some people and she told me that it’s just better to let go. 

I don’t want to. You were my everything.

Maybe she’s right or whatever, maybe I’ll be happier if I let you go. But it feels wrong to be happy if you’re not here. You made me happy. Sure, I was happy before you, but everything changed when you came into my life. Now that you’re not in it anymore, I don’t remember how to be happy. 

Maybe you were here today, as like a ghost or whatever. Maybe you’re reading these. If you are, I want you to know that I will always miss you and I will always love you. 

Oh, and BB-8 misses you and loves you too.


	8. Day Eight

Hey Buddy. 

I’m writing today with sores on my face and some whiplash. 

That’s right, I actually had the energy to go on a mission today. You proud of me? I’m kinda proud of me. So are Rey and Jess. Jess still did the leading, which is a good thing, because I probably would’ve lost my fucking mind and killed everyone if I had led. 

Leia was really hesitant about letting me go, but she also said the best way to get over a trauma is to get right back to doing what you did before the trauma, so she let me go. 

I don’t think I’ve ever heard BB-8 happier to go on a mission. They didn’t even scream in panic like they normally do. 

I still miss you, but I hope you can be happy that I’m trying my best to be happy even though you’re not here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all I'm so sorry about the inconsistent posting! I frequently forget to post or don't have time! I promise this will all be up eventually, but it'll likely be slow going. Again, I'm so sorry, but I really appreciate everyone who's sticking with it :)


	9. Day Nine

Buddy, 

I'm so sorry. I did something stupid today. Because I miss you. 

Rey found me and she yelled at me and told me you wouldn't want this and I'm sorry. 

Love, 

Poe.


	10. Day Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another letter from Poe to his Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUICIDE TW FRIENDS

Hey, buddy. 

So I just finished bacta therapy. I won't tell you what I did, because I'm sure you understand. 

I just wanted to be with you again, I swear. Jessika said it was selfish. Maybe it was. 

I know I shouldn't have done it. I thought I was doing so good, y'know? Living without you. And then it hit me. 

My life isn't even worth it without you. 

But they saved me. Is it chance? Is it you telling me you want me to stay? Does The Force need me alive? 

I don't know, my love. I do know I miss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S BACK? ME! I promised this fic would finish eventually, but it would be slow going. I promise I will try to keep posting again!


	11. Day Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is such slow going, gang, I am so sorry. It will end one day, I swear. 
> 
> also, suicide tw. poe mentions suicide in this chapter!

I've never felt more alone, buddy. Rey swears you're there, or whatever, but I'm really starting to feel like you're not. It feels stupid to write these, it really does. 

I shut BB8 off today and I won't let anyone in. I made a mess, I drank too much. I just want to lay down and die. 

I miss you. **so much**. Like I've never missed anyone else in my life. And that's saying something, y'know? I've lost a lot over the years. 

If you love me, please show me you're here. That you still love me and you won't ever really leave. Because right now, I'm feeling like you did. For good, and stuff.


End file.
